3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
