I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
