I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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