k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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