I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
