I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
