remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize