I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
