Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
