I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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