i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
