im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
