I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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