Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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