I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
