I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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