That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
