So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
