My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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