how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
