seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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