Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
They took my balls.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
