All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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