If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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