tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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