i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
