he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
