i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
