I swear she didn't look like that last week.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
