im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
if only i could text you this smell
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
