If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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