Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
