Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
