I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I need to sanitize my soul.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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