I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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