I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
