So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
