I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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