I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
