We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
