i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
