Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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