i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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