After last night, I could never be a politician.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
