If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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