hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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