He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
