Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
