a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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