life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Ladies don't puke and tell
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
