maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
