so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's shark week go big or go home
My vagina is very pro this idea
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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