booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
