broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
