why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
