someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
