we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
