i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
