My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
