half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
