Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
