cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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